Inevitable
by Sandyland
Summary: Crisscolfer. Chris and Darren have known each other since they were born; they have been best friends for just as long, but there's something that Darren isn't telling Chris and it has everything to do with just how much he loves his best friend. A/N: Please review. This is the very first piece of fanfic that I have ever published and it would really help to know what people think
1. The Most Terrifying Nightmare

The first thing that Chris does when he wakes up every day is get out of bed, open his curtains, and look out to the window right across from his to the face peering through that window right back at him. Darren's smile is bright but Chris recognizes the deep shadows under his eyes that let him know that he's not as okay as he wants Chris to believe. Chris disappears from view to grab his phone and when he returns Darren is sitting at his desk with his eyes cast down.

"What's wrong?" he sends the text and seconds later he gets the same response he's been getting for weeks straight.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Chris looks across to Darren and Darren is giving him that same old reassuring smile. He doesn't believe it. He doesn't believe it for a second and Darren knows that.

"No you're not." He's looking straight at Darren when he sends it, straight into his eyes, daring him to lie again. It doesn't work, because when Darren looks down at his phone and up again Chris can see it written on his face that it's just going to be another lie. He isn't wrong and that frustrates him more than anything. He's just trying to be there for his best friend but Darren won't let him. Why won't Darren just let him be there for him? He won't even tell him what's wrong. Darren always tells him everything. Always. Since they could speak Chris has listened to anything and everything that Darren needed to say and Darren's done the same thing for Chris, so Chris just doesn't understand why whatever Darren is hiding would be so different.

Chris doesn't look back across the way as he hits Darren's name in his contacts. He doesn't look back over until the phone starts the ring. One. Two. Three rings and no answer. He can see Darren looking down at his phone. Why isn't he picking up? Four rings, Five and then…

"Okay. I-I lied." His voice is broken, like he's about to start crying, and Chris can't stand it. He's only ever heard Darren cry once, after his dog died in the third grade.

"I kind of figured that much." Chris lets out a breathy laugh.

"Hey, don't do that." Darren's voice is a little more stable now, less serious but not as goofy as Chris is used to.

"What am I doing?" Chris doesn't really have to ask. It comes up in every little squabble they have; Chris' 'I told you so' nature.

"You know what. You are not always right. I know you think you're always right, and I guess you were right this time, but you're not right all the time." And even as it's coming out of his mouth, Darren knows that it's not correct, Chris kind of is always right, but he won't admit that to him.

"Whatever you say. You cannot keep avoiding this whole not telling me things situation, mister. You know you can tell me anything, right?" Darren sighs. He does feel guilty about not telling Chris, but he has known for years about these feelings that he's had for Chris. Since the eighth grade he hasn't said a word to Chris about them. He tells himself that it's for the sake of their relationship; that telling Chris would change everything and he can't lose Chris. Not here. Not now. Not ever. But the truth of it all is that he's scared. He's so scared that Chris would say that he doesn't love Darren in the way that Darren loves him and that is the most terrifying nightmare Darren has ever had.

"Yeah, but-Fuck. I promise I'll tell you. I will-I will tell you, Chris but I just… I can't right now. Can we just… drop it? Just for now. Please?" He pleads with Chris and once he sees the little nod that Chris gives he hangs up and throws him a smile before heading into the bathroom for his morning shower.

He's tried so many times to get over it; to tell himself that it's not ever going to happen but then he sees Chris again with those blue eyes that sometimes look green if the light hits them just right and thinks that maybe he can just tell him tomorrow, but then tomorrow never comes.


	2. Make Your Move

A/N: This is going to start getting longer and hopefully better as it goes on. I have up to Chapter 4 written out already so it'll be a pretty quick update until then. Also, I have written in an original character that appears for this first time in this chapter. I hope you like him; I think he's pretty cool but he curses a lot so I guess if you're against that or something here's somewhat of a warning. Other than that, Enjoy!

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Chris is lying face up on Darren's bed, messing with his phone, when Darren gets out of the shower. At first Darren doesn't see him past the fog following him out of the bathroom but when he does he's so startled (well less startled and more embarrassed by the fact that he's half naked) that he almost drops the towel from around his waist.

"Hey, it's just me. Now, get dressed. We're going to be late to school _again_ if you don't hurry." Darren catches a pile of clothes that Chris throws at him and flushes slightly when he sees a pair of his batman covered boxers in the mix.

"You just- you scared me, Chris." He plays the embarrassment off as freight and turns away from Chris to change while listening to Chris rant about how he will ring Darren's neck if they fail him in his senior year because Darren can't seem to show up to anything in a timely manner. They step out the door five minutes late with zip lock bags of dry cereal and a "Have a great day at school!" from Darren's mom before setting off.

Ms. Kinberg, their dinosaur of a homeroom teacher who always wears her silver hair in a bun and talks so quietly no one can understand her, gives them a harsh look that spells trouble when they fall over each other on their way through the door.

Zander Redding is seated directly in front of Darren and diagonal from Chris. He has been both Darren and Chris' close friend for years and you wouldn't be able to tell from his bleached hair that is bombarded with streaks of electric blue or the detailed tattoos that crawl up and down each of his arms or from the way the he spits curse words like they're carbon dioxide from his lungs but he's a pretty straight-laced guy; a mathlete that just happens to feel the need to go against everything his prestigious parents have ever wanted for him. He kicks the leg of Darren's desk, turning to give him a look that says something close _to Just fucking tell him already, man_ to which Darren quietly ignores, putting his head down as he stares longingly at Chris through his lashes. Zander tosses a crumpled up ball of paper at Darren that bounces off of his head and falls onto his desk. Inside reads _I won't be at lunch today. Make your move or I'll tell him myself_.

Darren spends his next three classes of the day stressing himself out. He doesn't know what to do or say or how to do or say what he doesn't know how to do or say and Chris being by his side for two of those three classes isn't really helping with the thought process. He's so far gone by the time he walks into Orchestra 4, the one and only class throughout the day that he doesn't share with Chris, that he can't even let himself enjoy the music. He sets down the violin in his hands and excuses himself to the nurse's office but instead slips out of the room with his old acoustic from the back of the class where he leaves it during the day and makes his way to the old oak that has become his, Chris, and Zander's go to lunch destination. He pulls out the torn up notebook that he writes his originals in and begins to mess around with some chords as the words form in his mind. He writes and plays for what feels like hours but obviously isn't and doesn't realize that sleep is setting in before it too late to fight it.

At lunch, Chris walks up to their normal place on the quad under the big tree with the good shade to find Darren snoring away. It's not a rare occurrence but by the way that his head is slumped over the guitar that is still pressed up against his chest, Chris realizes that he must be really excused. Darren is out like a light, drool dripping from the corner of his open mouth onto the shiny surface of his favorite acoustic. Chris doesn't notice the notebook lying on the grass next to Darren's leg until he sits down. He's tempted to read whatever it is that Darren has written but lets it go, telling himself that Darren will show him like he does with all his other songs. He sits there and wonders absently where Zander is, since he always joins them, and decides against waking Darren. Chris sees him as so peaceful like this, and feels like maybe he can be peaceful with him for a few minutes; He presses his ear to Darren's chest and eats his peanut butter on wheat while listening to the steady 'thump thump' of his heart over the monstrous noise coming from his throat until the bell rings.

Darren thinks that Chris is the most beautiful thing that he's ever seen, but that's not the only reason that Darren loves him. Darren loves the way that Chris can make him laugh so hard that his stomach hurts and how he makes comments about how he loves Darren's puff ball hair because it reminds him of that time when they were thirteen; he cut it short and that old lady that lived down the street complimented him for weeks on end. He loves how Chris laughed so hard at the embarrassed look on Darren's face when they walked by the old lady's house every day after school because he knew that the old lady would stop tending to her roses to tell him how nice his hair looked. This continued on until the puffball returned and then Chris told him to never cut it that short again or he'll never live it down. "Besides, I like it." Chris added later during one of their movie nights as he sat pulling an individual curl down and letting it bounce back to its original shape. That's what Darren is thinking of, or dreaming of, really, before Chris shakes him awake. He's thinking of how he never has cut his curls that short again because Chris likes his hair like this and anything that Chris likes, he likes, because he loves Chris. He's a slave to this love, but he doesn't mind it one bit, not when he opens his eyes to a beautiful boy that he just happens to be the cause of it.


	3. Tomorrow

I only have up to Chapter 6 of this written out already, so the updates will be getting a bit slower until I can get ahead on it. Other than that, enjoy!

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"You didn't tell him!" Zander accuses when Darren gets home that day, pointing a finger in Darren's face. Zander had been waiting for him on the front steps for what was going on twenty minutes thanks to his snazzy skateboard and waited even longer to start this conversation before sending a wave Chris' way as he went into his house.

"I fell asleep." Darren sighs, running a hand through his hair before moving Zander's hand away from his face and Zander conjures an expression that lands somewhere between the spectrums of irritated and confused.

"Since when the hell does sleeping have anything to do with this Darren? Unless you're talking about sleeping _with _and I'm pretty sure if you can't even fucking tell him you're into him like that then you wouldn't be able to get him to sleep with you." Darren lets his head fall into his hands.

"During lunch, Zan. I fell asleep during lunch. I was writing something and I just feel asleep."

"That's not a good enough reason, dude. I met you and the first thing you confided in me with was this. You walked up to me like I don't know a week or something after we met and said to me, 'I'm in love with a boy I've known since I was born.'" Zander placed his hands on Darren's shoulders and shook him until he looked up at him.

"Julia and I have been dating for half a year and you don't see me standing here confessing my love for her to you. You on the other hand… You have been killing yourself over this for four years. For _four years _you have been calling me up in the middle of the night whining about how you can't sleep because you're so confused and heartbroken and 'Does he love me back, Zan? Please tell me he loves me back.'" He squeezes Darren's shoulders before letting go and slapping him lightly on the cheek.

"I love you, man. You know I do, but guess what? You'll never know if _he_ loves you at this point if you don't grow some fucking balls and tell him already and if you don't I'm not afraid to go in there and do it myself." He says, throwing a hand in the direction of Chris' house.

Darren takes in a long breath and waits a few seconds before letting it out and looking over at Chris' house.

"I will. Tomorrow." He says in a measured tone. Zander gives him a look that lets him know he's heard that before, but Darren really means it this time and that's what he tells him before giving Zan a quick hug and wandering into his house.

As Zander is skating home he thinks about how he's the worst friend ever. He's rooting for Darren. He really is, but he's also keeping Chris' secret. Zander guesses that it hasn't really been much of a secret since about two months ago when Chris told him but that doesn't mean that he's going to tell Darren when Chris was so embarrassed about it. He knows that it would break Darren's heart anyway. Zander lets the memory replay in his mind.

It was a sunny day during the week when Chris walked up to him at lunch. Darren was caught up with a piece in orchestra and told Chris not to wait up because he'd be a while, so Chris figured that this was the opportune time to tell Zander. Zander was on the concrete next to the patch of grass that the big tree is planted in, practicing a flip on his skateboard; some trick that he had seen on YouTube and decided that he had to try. He wasn't paying much attention to anything but his own feet on the board as the board flew out from under him. He didn't see Chris standing there until Chris caught the skateboard as it flew toward him. Zander nodded at him in greeting and grabbed the board as Chris handed it back to him but he saw in Chris' eyes that there was something he'd been waiting to say.

"What is it?" Zander asked, getting right to the point. He threw his skateboard into the grass next to that old tree and sat down at the base of it with his knees propped up to his chest. Chris sat down beside him and Zander noticed that he was being way shy. Chris is not shy. This must be big.

"I have something to tell you and I get that it's kind of comical but just promise me you won't laugh because that will make me feel a million times worse than I already feel about it, okay?" Zander doesn't really know what to expect and he for sure doesn't know that this moment will forever make him feel like the worst friend of all time.

"I like you." Chris says and there it is. There's the moment that makes him feel like he can never talk to Darren ever again because _Shit. I'm such a fucking cock-block _is the only thought floating through Zander's mind.

"I like you like you, and god I'm so sorry. I know you're straight and you have a girlfriend and she is wonderful. I really like Julia, but I can't help it, I promise you that, because if I could I would not be feeling like this right now." Chris' cheeks are bright red and Zander feels so horrible. He doesn't know what to say to Chris to make it okay and he doesn't know what he will say to Darren to make him not want to punch him in the face multiple times.

"I'm not going to try to kiss you or anything. I just had to tell you to get it off my chest, so that I can move on… or something." And at that Zander knows what to say. He tells Chris that it's all cool. They're cool and he doesn't feel weird about it.

"I get it though, who wouldn't want a piece of this?" he jokes, flexing his arm and kissing the lump of muscle that arises on his tanned arm. Chris laughs along with him, hitting his chest and asks Zander not to tell Darren about this.

"He'd never let me live it down." He says with a bit of tint to his cheeks and when Darren arrives with his guitar slung over his shoulder he doesn't suspect a thing and that's what kills Zander the most.

Zander is outside of the brass gates of his home now and as he announces his arrival into the intercom for the gate to open he wonders if he should break that promise for the sake of Darren's sanity.


	4. The Carved Heart

Hi, well fun fact about this story: I based it off of the song "Inevitable" by Anberlin, hence the title. Also, I am planning to take this story into their lives as adults. I don't know when it's going to happen chapter-wise but I do have an idea as to how it will happen. Okay, that is all. Enjoy!

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The next day is a Saturday and for Darren it starts with a frantic call from Chris about his hatred for math. He revisits the fact that he has hated it since the start of multiplication in the third grade and talks of how math can go die in a deep, deep hole for all Chris cares and proofs aren't helping remedy that feeling at all. Darren asks him why he didn't call up 'The Mathelete' and Chris mumbles something about how Zan tutoring him makes him feel dumb but is truthfully trying to avoid being alone with him until he can be completely sure that his little crush is gone . Darren tells Chris that it's a good thing for him that he is actually really good at math, you know, when he applies himself and Chris is in his bedroom ten minutes later with his Calc book in his hands.

They're thirty minutes and three diet cokes on Chris' part into the study session when Chris catches a glimpse of Darren's old, beat up acoustic out of the corner of his eye and walks over to it. It's not the one Darren brings to school with him every day; this one is strictly reserved for home use for one reason in particular.

"Oh my god, Darren, It's still here." Chris says in disbelief, running his thumb over the pencil eraser sized area right next to bottom E where the wood had been carved out to form the shape of a heart.

"You scratched it in there pretty good; I don't think it's going anywhere." Darren says and smiles, remembering that time as if it was yesterday when in actuality it was around four years ago, right after the time that he realized that he loves Chris in the way that he does.

It was a Monday afternoon just after they began the eighth grade and like today, Darren was playing the part of Chris' math tutor but back then the struggle was with constructions instead of proofs.

_I love him. I love him. I love him._ Those are the words that Darren's hand scrawled between about every line of the notes he was pretending to correct, and since he knew that Chris wasn't paying attention; "Constructions are easy as long as you know the terminology" he throws in some math talk to maybe get Chris to look at the page and see for himself, but he doesn't get the hint as his eyes land on Darren's scratched up guitar leaning on the bookshelf that his grandfather had made him before he lost interest in his not completely straight grandson and gained interest in travel. The guitar sounded as it hit the notebook, covering up Darren's 'I love you's' and making him sad and annoyed at the situation.

"You really need to focus on this if you want to pass." Is what Darren said on the outside, but on the inside he was screaming _What are you doing? You were supposed to look at the notebook and see that I love you and it was supposed to be all romantic and sweet and you were supposed to say that you love me like that too! You love me like that, right?_ Chris just gave him a soft pat on the back as if to say _like that's going to happen_, which made Darren quite scared that he was answering his internal voice rather than his external one. Darren watched as Chris grabbed Darren's protractor out from under the neglected Geometry book and fanned it out to a 180 degree angle before holding it like he would hold a pencil. Darren's eyes followed Chris' every move, equal parts terrified and intrigued when he began to scratch into Darren's guitar's smooth surface right next to bottom E. He carved the tiny design of a heart and went over and over it again until he was satisfied, than Darren basked in the moment as he watched him blow the out of place shavings away, his lips puckering like Darren imagines they would when they would kiss. His lips. Kiss. Chris's face fell and Darren resisted the urge to push Chris' chin up until their mouths would connect.

"You know, if anybody else did that, I'd kill them." Darren whispered brokenly, but Chris just looked down at that little heart again, rubbing the pad of his thumb over it for a second just as he does now.

Darren thinks now that showing the notebook he'd written that in all those years ago would be the perfect way to tell Chris. He's sure he has it around here somewhere, but then Chris looks up at him like he's about to say something. It takes him a few more seconds to say it and after he says it he really wishes he hadn't.

"You like… Zan?" Darren says it like he's trying to get an awful taste out of his mouth.

"I- I'm getting over it. I told him and he… he was really cool about it." Chris' voice is so weak, he was expecting it would be bad, Darren's two best friends had kept something this big from him, but he didn't expect to feel like such a horrible person because of it.

Darren stands up and starts pacing across the room, hands shoved deep in his pockets, shoulders tense. He's taking deep breaths, eyes closing every few seconds just to open again as if he thinks that it will transport him to a different reality.

"How-How long has he known?" Darren asks in as calm of a voice as he can muster at the moment, speaking through clutched teeth. He's feeling betrayed. Zan knows how Darren feels about Chris. He's known since he's known Darren.

"For around… three months now." Chris answers with a soft voice, looking down at the guitar again. Darren realizes then that Zan has been encouraging him to go for it for months. He was knowingly giving him false hope.

"I've got to go deal with something. Stay here. Watch TV or read a book or something. I'll be back." Darren looks back to where Chris is still seated and gives him a half smile to let him know that it will be alright before leaving.


	5. Puppy Dog Eyes

A/N: I have up to Chapter 10 written of this at the moment. It is rapidly approaching the time-jump, which will probably be around Chapter 11 or 12. This right here, what you're about to read, is the chapter where everything really starts to come together. Enjoy!

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Darren punched Zander; that much is clear to Chris when Darren walks back through his bedroom door an hour later with a full bottle of whiskey in one fist and swollen knuckles adorning the other. Chris doesn't quite understand Darren's physical abuse toward Zan when Chris himself was just as much at fault for withholding the information that made him explode like a firecracker. He does understand, however, Darren's need for alcohol right about now.

"Are you okay?" Chris asks as Darren sits criss-cross-apple-sauce on the bed facing him and twists the cap off the whiskey.

"I stole this from daddy Redding's liquor cabinet. It's the fancy stuff." He says, neglecting Chris' question, before taking a long swig. He offers it to Chris and Chris thinks _why the hell not?_ before grabbing the bottle by it's long neck and letting the harsh liquid fall past his lips.

"What was that all about, anyway? I'm just as much to blame. You could have hit me instead." Chris says, handing the bottle off to Darren again, but even as he says it the thought of it makes him flinch. Darren halts with the bottle to his lips.

"I would never hit you." His voice is low and serious as he looks right into Chris's eyes.

"I know that but I figure that if you had done that it would have saved you some trouble." Chris pipes up. He's rambling now, avoiding Darren's eyes.

"No, it wouldn't have." Darren says, and then there's nothing but the sound of breathing and drinking. His thoughts are starting to blur around the edges now and he can't think of anything but the need that is gripping at him. He downs another mouthful. Chris takes it for a long sip before handing it back to Darren.

The bottle is more than half way gone by now and Chris' body is warm and his mind is hazy as he watches Darren. Darren's adam's apple moves as he lets more of the golden liquid travel down his throat and his lips are wet after they release suction from around the mouth of the bottle. Chris has thought about kissing Darren before; multiple times, actually. He's thought about what it would feel like and at this moment he's convinced himself that it would feel pretty amazing. Chris swallows and holds the bottle up to Darren's lips. He watches as the last of the whiskey is taken in by Darren's lips and pulls the empty bottle away, tossing it to the floor. There's a drop of liquor left traveling down Darren's chin that Chris lets his tongue chase. Their bodies are close but Darren wants closer. He pushes Chris into his chest and Chris wraps his legs around Darren's waist, sitting on top of Darren's crossed legs. Chris crashes his lips against Darren's and he was right, it is amazing; not in the 'oh my god this is the best thing I've ever experienced in my life' sense but in the 'this feels so right' sense. Chris absently wonders why they haven't tried this before as Darren absorbs the moment that he's been waiting four years for. _Four years_. Chris pushes Darren so his back is flush against the silk laden mattress and Chris is lying on top of him. Darren doesn't want to go there yet, not when they're in this state of mind, but he can't stop it. All he can think is _four years. Four years._

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It's 9 something Sunday morning when Chris opens his eyes to the bright light streaming in through what he believes at the moment to be his own open curtains. He stays there for a while not quite in a concise state before the headache sets in and he realizes that he's without desolation and without clothes. His legs are tangled up with someone else's and it takes him a moment to recount what and who he had done last night… Darren, who's still snoring away, is holding onto him. His back is pressed up against Darren's chest, two strong arms coiled around his waist. _Darren. _Darren's face is in his hair._ I had sex with Darren last night _is the first thought that he can latch onto. He can replay every moment of it with clarity and everything about it feels like a strange dream in his mind. It's not like it was bad, it was actually really good, but just the fact that it happened; it happened so quickly, too quickly sends Chris into a panic. He thinks _I have to get out of here before he wakes up_ and lets his eyes drift to how peaceful and just… beautiful Darren is before he starts to move.

Knowing that Darren sleeps like the dead gives him an advantage at this point as he maneuvers his way out of the bed, shimming his limbs free from Darren's. He gets up and begins to search the clothes that are scattered all around what he now knows is Darren's bedroom and not his own and tries not to think of what a horrible person he's being by ditching like this. He knows that Darren's going to think that he thinks it was a mistake and he doesn't want him to think that because it wasn't but he can't be there. He can't see Darren's eyes and hear his voice when he's so terribly confused about what happens now; _We're still friends; best friends, right? I don't think I could live with myself if I screwed that up when I screwed Darren. _He's found just about everything but his shirt after a thorough look through so he throws on his own boxer briefs and skinny jeans with the 'I do my own stunts' shirt Darren wore yesterday before tiptoeing down the stairs to what he hopes will be an empty house.

"You don't have to do that. I know you're there." Darren's mother's voice catches him off guard as he soundlessly places each foot in front of the other on his way past the kitchen. She's cooking breakfast; he can smell the bacon and butter from where he's standing. She looks up at him over her shoulder with a stainless steel spatula in her hand and a smile on her face, her back to him. He halts, color coming to his cheeks as he changes direction to walk over to the kitchen island. Sitting down on one of the four bar stools there.

"Chris, honey, did you sleep well?" Chris knows that she's not just being polite. She loves him as if he were her child, but he also knows that she knows more about what went on in Darren's bedroom the night before than what she's letting on. Chris doesn't answer and Darren's mom takes that as a signal to move on.

"Would you like some breakfast?" she asks him as he rests his head down on the smooth granite surface of the island. Chris lets out a mumbled "Yes, please" as his mind follows a scary chain of scenarios that could arise from the happenings of last night; Darren could come down stairs and start yelling at him to get the hell out of his house or Darren could not speak to him at all and Chris doesn't know which one would hurt less, so he's just going to hope that he can get out of here before either can happen.

"Do you think he hates me now?" Chris asks as Darren's mom places a plate of fried eggs, bacon and buttered toast in front of him.

"My boy could never hate you, Chris. He's had puppy dog eyes for you for as long as I can remember and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon." That brings a smile to Chris' lips as he cracks the yolk of his eggs and lets it run over his bacon and toast. He has a feeling that he's starting to get some pretty big puppy dog eyes for Darren as well, but of course he's not going to start admitting that to Darren's mother. He finishes his breakfast and can't fight the feeling inside of him that is telling him to run.

"I've got to…" he says, motioning toward the door. Darren's mom hums slightly in response and takes his plate. He starts for the exit before turning back around.

"Thanks so much, momma Criss… for everything." He says in a quiet voice before fleeing.


	6. You Don't Love Me Back?

Chris hears Darren's swift footsteps echoing as he runs up the oak stairs to Chris' room before he hears his voice. He knows they're Darren's footsteps because he's never heard anyone walk loud as Darren does.

"Momma Colfer! have you seen-" Darren's voice questions in a frantic tone before he glances through Chris' open door to find just what he had been looking for.

"…Chris." He finishes on an exhale, leaning into the doorframe with some sort of book cushioned under his arm as he looks at Chris, who is sitting at his desk.

"You're wearing my shirt." Darren says and Chris notices that Darren's hair is more of a mess than usual and he obviously didn't mind flashing his underwear to the whole neighborhood on his twenty-three step walk over because he's wearing only a pair of iron man briefs but Chris figures that he should count the fact that Darren decided to put on any clothing at all as a small victory because he doesn't believe that Darren would even think twice about walking outside all bare after waking up; yes, he knows for a fact that Darren sleeps in the nude. _Last night was most definitely no exception._ The thought slips past his concise and it's not helping Chris cope with this funny feeling that is suddenly encompassing his every nerve ending as he tries to think of something to say.

"I-yeah-I couldn't find mine and I- I just really have to…" Chris voices meekly, avoiding Darren's eyes and moving to get up from his computer chair but Darren walks over and pushes at his shoulders to keep him where he is, setting the book down on the desk in front of Chris in the process.

"I like it on you." He says in a whisper too low for Chris' ears to pick up. He doesn't say anything after that, he just looks straight on at Chris with an expression that says _We need to talk. Now_. And Chris thinks of how this is everything he was trying to avoid.

Darren takes a seat on Chris' bed before letting his unclothed back collide with the mattress, looking up at the blank ceiling as he begins to talk.

"I… um-" Darren begins, clearing his throat. "I was hoping that you'd… be there when I woke up." His voice is horse and he's hoping that Chris can't see the single tear running down his cheek from where he's sitting.

"I just- I just started panicking. I didn't even think to look through my-my window. If I had I probably would have seen you h-here." As Darren speaks, he moves his hands in all directions in front of his face which Chris knows as Darren's tell for when he's anxious and it hurts Chris to know that he was the cause of that anxiety. He doesn't like seeing Darren break and if it was anyone else doing this to him right now he would punch them in the face just as Darren would, and has, done for him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't- I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to fuck this up." Chris admits. He realizes after he's said it that he's probably never used that word; _fuck_ out loud before, because doesn't usually curse, not like Darren does, but the word feels right rolling off his tongue at the moment. Darren sits up and looks at him for a second. There are tears in his eyes but Chris can see a sparkle behind them as if he's thinking the same thing and they both start laughing, Darren drying his tears and Chris leaving his seat to go lie next to Darren. Moments pass and their laughter dies down to complete silence, both of them gazing up at the ceiling and not at each other, before the serious conversation starts up again.

"You didn't fuck anything up, Chris. You actually- you gave me everything I've ever wished for." Chris' mind is spinning and he turns his head to look over at Darren, who has done the same to look at Chris. _Did he actually mean that? No; Darren couldn't possibly mean what Chris thinks he means._

"You… what?" Chris asks slowly. Darren doesn't say anything for a long moment as he shuffles to his feet. Chris sits up and watches as Darren grabs the book from where he set it on Chris' desk then comes to sit back down on the bed. He hands Chris the book; It's an old notebook, probably years old from the poor condition of its half torn off yellow cover. Darren uses a soft voice to tell Chris to open it and the first words he sees written on the first page are _I love you_. He recognizes the writing as that belonging to a younger Darren. _Seventh grade Darren _his mind supplies him with. He can tell because of the odd slant of the words; they're leaning to the left instead of leaning to the right per Darren's norm and that tells him that this was written during the time that Darren broke his right hand after punching Jimmy Ferguson in the face for calling Chris a fag, which made him have to write with his left hand for weeks. Those same words are written over and over again in the margins and in between each line of math that is scrawled on the page. He flips the page and the one after that and the one after that and sees that it doesn't end but the writing gets better and starts to slant to the right again. He looks back up at Darren and lets his eyes ask the question: _is this for me?_ And Darren laughs. It's not a sarcastic laugh or a humor filled laugh but a nervous laugh.

"Y-yes. It's-it's okay if you don't feel the same way but I just- I thought I should show you." Darren is fiddling with his hands again and Chris can't help but notice that Darren's eyes do look like a puppy dog's at the moment and he could bet good money that his are taking on the same characteristics.

"But… seventh grade Darren wrote this." Is all Chris can say and Darren smiles slightly.

"Yes, because one day after punching some punk kid in the face for calling his best friend a fag, seventh grade Darren realized that he wanted to kiss his best friend, and soon after, he placed that feeling with this strange thing called love." Darren stops and takes in a big gulp of air like his story isn't over, but Chris can't believe his ears. _How did I not notice? If I had noticed I'd have… what?_ What would he have done? He doesn't know. He doesn't know what he'll do even now but he does know that this warm feeling inside of him is trying to tell him that he has been falling all along, in tune with Darren but just hasn't fully realized it until now.

"But, you see, this love wasn't just some everyday love, like the love that one best friend has for the other, this love was an all-encompassing love that grew as seventh grade Darren grew into eighth grade Darren, and eighth grade Darren grew into ninth grade Darren, and ninth grade Darren grew into tenth grade Darren and- okay I think you get the point. And, well here I am, twelfth grade Darren and still as in love with my best friend as ever." There's a moment of silence and then Chris doesn't think as he grabs Darren's face and lets their lips fall together.

They kiss for what feels like hours, tangled up together on Darren's Chris' bed, until they have to resurface for air.

"I didn't know you could be such a romantic." Chris whispers into Darren's ear and Darren looks into Chris eyes as he asks the question that's been killing him since he woke up this morning.

"What does this mean? You know, for us." And Chris just smiles against Darren's ear before whispering his long awaited answer softly into it.

"This means that... we'll see." And that makes Darren's smile fall.

"Y-you don't love me back? But-but we kissed and… and you don't just kiss someone after something like that if you're just going to say no, Chris!" Chris cups Darren's face with his hands.

"Hey, stop it. I'm not saying I don't love you, but I'm not saying I do love you either. Not yet, anyway. Give me some time to adjust before we make any drastic changes, okay." Darren hears what he's saying, he does, but he had really thought he had it in the bag after that kiss. It's a slight disappointment but he's determined to make this happen.

"I'm going to make you fall in love with me, Christopher Paul Colfer, if it is the last thing I do." Darren whispers into Chris' ear before stealing one last kiss.


	7. Getting To Know Each Other Better

"Are you in love with me yet?" Darren asks as Chris opens the front door to let him in for their weekly Friday night movie marathon.

"I am inclined to say no until you stop asking me that every time you see me." Chris remarks, putting on the unamused face that Darren knows so well.

"Maybe if you'd let me take you on a real date…" Darren murmurs under his breath but Chris hears him and smacks him hard on the arm.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Darren? We are not dating! Dating is what couples do. We-" he motions between the two of them, ignoring Darren's pouting.

"-are not going to be a couple until-"

"Yes, yes, I know; until you can figure out what your feelings are toward me." Darren finishes, letting out a sigh of defeat. For the past month they have been doing what Chris calls 'getting to know each other better' which is basically code for dating with no strings attached and it annoys Darren to no end. He wants the strings because the he has strings and Chris has strings and he wants their strings to become so infused that they can never be one individual person's strings ever again, but both of their strings; together.

"Oh, shut up. You and I both know that it will happen eventually. You just have to be patient." Chris says as he walks into the kitchen to make their popcorn.

"Chris, since when have you ever known me to be patient? And anyways, how are we 'getting to know each other better'"- Darren says, putting air quotes around the last part as he follows Chris around the kitchen.

"-when we know every fucking thing there is to know about each other?" He finishes over the sound of popcorn popping in the microwave.

Chris' mom walks into the kitchen with Darren's mom and they stop in their tracks as they see the way their sons are looking at each other.

"He still doesn't love you?" Darren's mom asks, sharing a look with Chris' mom just before the microwave beeps. Darren nods sadly and their mothers walk over and give him a hug, pulling Chris in with them.

"It'll be alright, honey. He'll get there soon." Chris' mother offers and Chris flushes slightly as they break from the huddle before grabbing the popcorn and heading up the stairs with Darren trailing after him moments later with his arms full of various bags of candy.

They're at school on Monday after Chris watches Darren pretend like he didn't see Zander waving at him when Chris brings up what he likes to call the 'Zander issue'.

"You haven't talked to him yet, have you?" Chris asks, even though he knows it's true, if not from his own knowledge of how hard-headed Darren can be, then by the awkward event that just occurred. Darren sighs, stopping in the middle of the walkway to look over at Chris. Kids mill around them, some telling them to move and others not saying a word about it as they continue the conversation.

"Chris, I don't give a damn if I ever talk to him again, okay? So please just leave it alone." He says, gazing at the yellowing bruise still present on his knuckles from the contact of the punch all those weeks ago.

"What the hell happened between you two?" Chris questions, putting his hand on Darren's shoulder, and Darren lets him be the supportive friend since he figures Chris is the only one he has left.

Darren plays the memory back in his mind. The blind rage that encompassed every facet of his brain is what drew him to Zan's place to begin with. He practically sprinted the whole three blocks there, into the gated community of Willowing Pines Estates and was sweating through the Doctor Who shirt he stole from Chris when he walked up to the gates that seclude Zan's home from the outside world.

He spoke through the intercom in the calmest tone he could muster and was buzzed in moments later, not waiting for the gates to finish opening before he slid inside. He walked the expanse of the front yard, circling around the fountain shaped as a naked baby angel that Darren used to make fun of Zander for; asking him if it had been modeled after him.

The butler let Darren in, greeting him as "Sir, Criss" and asking if he would like him to take his coat. Darren brushed him off as the butler motioned him to the dining room where Zander was in the middle of dinner with his family.

Zander's father looked up from his plate with a bit of a scowl as Darren's loud footsteps stopped in the entryway. He's never liked Darren and has made that fact perfectly clear with his rather unwelcoming demeanor whenever he's around.

"Whatever has graced us with your presence this fine evening, Mr. Criss?" Zander's father asked in a condescending tone toward Darren and Zander's mother swatted her husband on the wrist and asked if Darren would like to join them. Darren laughed without humor and turned his attention toward Zander and at that Zander's sixteen-year-old sister, Zoe, who Darren finds to be just a bit too full of herself, got big eyes as if this was the highlight of her day.

"What the hell, man?" He said, not bothering to have this conversation in private. He wanted to see the look of embarrassment on Zander's face when he called him out in front of his own family. Zander looked up at Darren as if he has no idea what he was talking about and that just fueled Darren's fire.

"I said What. The. Hell!" Darren Yelled, inching closer and closer to where Zander was seated at the end of the table with each word he spoke. Zander wiped his mouth and threw his napkin down onto his half eaten veal, putting his hands up in mock surrender.

"I'm sorry, Dar, but I don't know what you're going on about." Zander said, eyes wide as he pushed his chair back and stood in front of Darren.

"Chris! Chris wants you! _You!_" Darren said grabbing the front of Zander's shirt, fist inches from Zander's face. Zander's mother tried to get Darren to calm down with soothing words, his father threatened to call the police and his sister held her iPhone in front of her face murmuring "This is going to be good."

"And you pretended to be on my side. You pretended that you were there for me when you knew. You knew he didn't love me. _You knew!_" Zander sucked in a breath at that, choking for a second before he could get out what he was trying to say.

"I'm s-sorry, man. He-he told me not to tell you." He stuttered out, Darren's teeth bore against his face.

"I don't fucking care! You've sat there watching me pine after him for years and you didn't say a damn thing when he told you he was after someone else. But, no wait, it wasn't just _someone else_; it was _you!_" He growled, shaking his head at his own words as if he still didn't believe them.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't pound your face in right now?" He questioned with a scowl ten times as threatening as the one on Zander's father's face. When he didn't receive an answer he took that as his go ahead, thrusting his fist into Zander's jaw and then into the side of Zander's just above the eye. He let him go after that, walking out of the dining room with swift feet and stopping in Zander's father's study to raid the liquor cabinet before making his way back to Chris. He didn't want to hurt Zander; Darren just wanted him to feel as betrayed as he did and he thought he was successful up until the point that he walked into school the next Monday and saw the huge black eye that Zander sported. He felt like a monster. Even though Zander had made up a story about a mugging to dissuade the truth, Darren knew the truth and so did Chris and Chris wasn't letting Darren get away with it, so now, Chris grabs Darren by the shoulders in the middle of the hallway with kids flocking every which way and kisses him on the mouth.

"Does that mean you're in love with me?" Darren whispers as they break apart but Chris doesn't answer as he pushes Darren backwards, past the now staring crowd of their peers to where Zander is still standing at the end of the hall.

"You can't force me to talk to him, Chris." Is what Darren says when he turns around to see Zander standing there, and Chris gives him a look that says _You wanna bet?_ Before turning the other direction and leaving Darren there with the one person his pride won't let him forgive.


End file.
